When Love Was Present but Something Was Still Missing

By Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP, ASDCS

I’ve sat with many clients—strong, kind, successful adults—who’ve paused mid-session with a surprising look on their face and said something like, “My parents weren’t abusive. I had a good childhood. But why do I feel this… ache?”

That moment is sacred. It's the door opening to a part of ourselves that rarely gets acknowledged: our inner child.

What Is Inner Child Work?

Inner child work is the psychological practice of reconnecting with the younger parts of ourselves that hold emotional memories, unmet needs, or developmental experiences.

It isn’t about blaming parents or dredging up drama. It’s about tending to the nervous system imprints left behind by moments of confusion, loneliness, shame, or longing that were never fully seen, validated, or resolved.

While it’s commonly associated with people healing from overt trauma, inner child work is just as powerful—and necessary—for those who grew up in loving homes. Because even the most well-intentioned parents cannot meet every need. And that’s not a failure—it’s a human truth.

“But My Parents Did the Best They Could…”

Yes, they did. Most caregivers do. But here’s the deeper truth: your nervous system doesn't always interpret “good intentions” as “felt safety.”

From a Polyvagal Theory perspective, safety is not just physical—it’s emotional and relational. Dr. Stephen Porges reminds us that the autonomic nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of connection or threat through a process called neuroception (Porges, 2011). If a child felt dismissed, misunderstood, or had to suppress big feelings to maintain harmony, their nervous system adapted accordingly.

You may have been clothed, fed, and tucked in every night—but did anyone teach you how to navigate rejection? Or sit with you while you cried without trying to fix it? Were your boundaries respected, or were you praised for being “easygoing”? Did you learn that your feelings mattered—or that being agreeable was safer?

These are subtle developmental gaps—not traumas, but absences. And absence is just as influential to the nervous system as presence.

Why This Matters Now—In Adulthood

As adults, we often revisit these early emotional landscapes when we face rejection, emotional disconnection, or conflict. The unresolved scripts play out again:

• You over-apologize to keep the peace.

• You feel shame for needing reassurance.

• You numb out when others express disappointment.

  
  

Not because you’re broken, but because your inner child is still seeking the safety they never learned to expect. These are nervous system echoes of an earlier time.

Polyvagal Theory: A Map to Understand the Inner Child

Polyvagal Theory gives us a language and a framework for this work. It teaches us that the vagus nerve is the highway of connection—regulating our capacity to engage socially, protect ourselves, or shut down when overwhelmed.

When childhood needs go unmet—not violently, but silently—our autonomic systems adapt:

• Fight/Flight (Sympathetic Activation): “If I try harder, please more, do better—I’ll be loved.”

• Freeze (Dorsal Vagal Shutdown): “If I stay quiet and invisible, I’ll avoid conflict or disapproval.”

• Fawn (Blended Response): “If I’m who others need me to be, I’ll be accepted.”

  
  

These are survival responses, not character flaws.

Inner child work within a PVT lens helps us gently reintroduce safety to these younger parts by attuning to the body’s signals, co-regulating with safe others, and creating new neural pathways for connection.

What This Work Looks Like

Inner child healing might include:

• Somatic practices: placing a hand on the chest or belly, breathing deeply, and asking, “What does my younger self need right now?”

• Imagery: visualizing your child self and offering them compassion, not correction.

• Letter writing: speaking the unspoken—“I wish someone had told me it was okay to feel scared.”

• Boundaries: learning to say no, not to rebel, but to protect your emotional landscape.

• Therapeutic reparenting: becoming the adult you needed—wise, steady, kind.

  
  

It’s Not About Blame. It’s About Belonging.

This work is not a betrayal of our parents. It’s an honoring of our humanity.

One client told me, “I feel guilty even thinking this—my parents were great.” Yes, and you still get to grieve what you didn’t get. It’s possible to hold love and loss in the same hand.

Recognizing that you had needs that went unmet doesn’t make you ungrateful. It makes you aware. And awareness is the first step toward healing.

Final Thoughts

Inner child work is not reserved for those with obvious trauma histories. It is for anyone courageous enough to say, “There’s more to me than what I’ve survived.”

You don’t have to carry the weight of unmet needs forever. With patience, self-compassion, and nervous system attunement, you can become the safe haven you always longed for. And that changes everything.

Because when we tend to our inner child, we stop outsourcing our worth—and start living from a place of embodied wholeness.

References

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.

• Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self. W.W. Norton & Company.

• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

• Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.

• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.