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Out of Phase: The Hidden Cost of Masking and Disconnection in AuDHD Adults

  • Writer: Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP, ASDCS
    Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP, ASDCS
  • May 5
  • 3 min read

By Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP, ASDCS

Clinical Director, Myndset Therapeutics



I often feel like I’m existing out of phase with the world—like a radio tuned just slightly off-frequency. I’m present, but not fully connected. I’m performing, but not fully engaged. It’s as if I’m watching myself from a distance, unsure of who I really am beneath the masks I’ve worn for so long.


This sensation isn’t just a fleeting mood; it’s a profound disconnection that many adults with ADHD, Autism, or both (AuDHD) experience. It’s the culmination of years spent adapting, masking, and striving to fit into a world that often doesn’t accommodate our neurodivergent minds.


The Chameleon Effect: Masking and Identity Diffusion


From an early age, I learned to observe and mimic those around me. I became adept at reading social cues, adjusting my behavior, and suppressing my natural responses to fit in. This constant adaptation, known as masking, is a common survival strategy among neurodivergent individuals.


Research indicates that masking involves concealing one's true self to conform to societal expectations, often leading to significant emotional exhaustion and identity confusion . Over time, this can result in identity diffusion—a state where one struggles to define their own preferences, values, and beliefs .


The Disconnection: Feeling Out of Touch


This chronic masking doesn't just blur our sense of self; it also severs our connection to the world around us. I’ve found myself going through the motions, engaging in conversations, and fulfilling responsibilities, all while feeling detached and disconnected.


Such experiences align with symptoms of dissociation, where individuals feel disconnected from their thoughts, feelings, or sense of identity. Studies have shown that people with ADHD and Autism are more susceptible to dissociative experiences, especially when exposed to chronic stress or trauma .


The Double Bind of AuDHD


Living with both ADHD and Autism presents a unique set of challenges. ADHD often drives impulsivity and a desire for stimulation, while Autism inclines one toward routine and predictability. Balancing these opposing forces can be mentally exhausting.


Moreover, the societal pressure to conform exacerbates this struggle. The need to mask Autistic traits to avoid judgment, combined with the internal chaos of ADHD, creates a relentless cycle of performance and burnout. This duality often leads to a profound sense of disconnection from oneself and others.


Reconnecting: Steps Toward Authenticity


Reclaiming our identity and reconnecting with ourselves is a gradual process. Here are some steps that have helped me and may assist others on this journey:


  1. Self-Reflection: Take time to explore your own preferences and interests without external influence.

  2. Mindfulness Practices: Engage in activities that ground you in the present moment, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises.

  3. Therapeutic Support: Seek therapy that acknowledges and supports neurodivergent experiences.

  4. Community Engagement: Connect with others who share similar experiences to foster a sense of belonging.

  5. Self-Compassion: Acknowledge the challenges you've faced and treat yourself with kindness and understanding.


Conclusion


Feeling out of phase with the world is a common experience among AuDHD adults, stemming from years of masking and the resulting identity diffusion. By understanding the underlying causes and taking intentional steps toward self-discovery and reconnection, we can begin to align more closely with our authentic selves.




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