Losing Myself to Be Liked: Identity Diffusion and Masking in ADHD, Autistic, and AuDHD Adults

By Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP

Clinical Director, Myndset Therapeutics

I couldn’t tell you what my favorite color is.

I know that sounds small, but for someone who spends their life helping others uncover their inner truth, not knowing something that basic about myself hits hard. I also struggle to answer questions like What do you want to eat? or What music do you like? I pause, scan my body for any feeling of preference, and often… come up empty.

I’ve realized that this isn’t about being indecisive. It’s about not knowing myself—not because I lack depth, but because I’ve spent a lifetime adapting, hiding, and performing.

If you’re ADHD, Autistic, or both (AuDHD), maybe you know this feeling too: the chronic chameleon act of fitting in, staying safe, and checking off every box expected of you—only to lose sight of who you are beneath it all. What you’re feeling has a name: identity diffusion, often driven by years of masking.

What Is Identity Diffusion?

Identity diffusion is a psychological term that describes a fragmented or underdeveloped sense of self. Erik Erikson originally proposed it as part of his stages of psychosocial development, where individuals who don’t resolve the stage of identity vs. role confusion may end up lacking a clear sense of personal identity (Erikson, 1968).

They may struggle to articulate preferences, values, goals—or even who they are.

In neurodivergent adults, especially those with ADHD or Autism, identity diffusion often stems from developmental invalidation, chronic social masking, and rejection sensitivity (Livingston et al., 2020; Raymaker et al., 2020).

The Masking Mechanism

Masking is the conscious or unconscious suppression of neurodivergent traits in order to meet social expectations. It might look like faking eye contact, rehearsing conversations in advance, copying others’ behaviors to "blend in," or hiding stimming behaviors. And while some of us learned to mask out of necessity for survival, masking is costly.

Studies show that chronic masking in Autistic and AuDHD adults is associated with depression, anxiety, suicidality, and profound identity struggles (Hull et al., 2017; Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019).

For me, it became second nature to shape-shift. I built a personality out of things that seemed likable or safe. I became the version of myself others wanted—at work, at school, with family—without ever stopping to ask Who am I when no one is looking?

The Role of ADHD in Identity Disruption

ADHD complicates things even further. Because ADHD is a disorder of executive functioning, it impacts self-reflection, introspection, and consistent self-concept (Brown, 2009). If we’re constantly distracted, dysregulated, or bouncing between tasks and emotional states, it's difficult to sit still long enough to develop a solid identity.

Research supports this. Adults with ADHD often report lower self-concept clarity, higher emotional reactivity, and more difficulty with personal goal-setting and identity formation (Beaton et al., 2022). We're impulsively driven by the external: the next thing, the next validation, the next way to prove our worth.

AuDHD and the Compounded Effect

Now imagine trying to build an identity while managing both ADHD and Autism. That’s AuDHD life. You get the rigid social rules from Autism mixed with the impulsivity and distractibility from ADHD—so you either mask too much or not enough. You second-guess everything. You don’t just lose touch with yourself, you forget there was a self under all the masking.

For many of us, our identities are made up of “shoulds.” We should like this. We should do that. We should act this way. We live in constant fight-or-flight trying to meet these expectations, never pausing to check if we actually want those things.

The Polyvagal Piece

From a Polyvagal Theory lens, identity diffusion makes even more sense. Chronic masking keeps our nervous systems in a sympathetic (mobilized) or dorsal vagal (shutdown) state—rarely giving us access to the ventral vagal state where curiosity, connection, and true self-awareness live (Porges, 2011). If your body doesn’t feel safe, it won’t let you access your full identity. You can’t be who you are while running from danger, even if that danger is subtle, social, or historical.

The Journey Back to Self

So how do we get back to ourselves?

I don’t have a perfectly wrapped answer, but I’ve found a few steps that help me feel more anchored:

1. Ask small questions: What’s one thing I liked as a kid? What food feels comforting—not impressive, not healthy, just me?

2. Notice body cues: When I hear a song, does my body feel open or closed? Am I holding my breath or relaxing into it?

3. Track preferences without judgment: I use a note on my phone to list random things I liked that day. It’s helping me rebuild an internal map.

4. Reduce the masking: Safely, gradually, with people I trust. I let myself stim. I give honest answers. I say “I don’t know” more often.

5. Let go of the boxes: The ones society gave me. The ones I made to feel safe. I remind myself: I’m allowed to exist in progress.

   
   

Final Thoughts

If you’re like me and feel like a stranger to yourself, please know you’re not broken. You adapted. You survived. But now, maybe, it’s time to start coming home to yourself—piece by piece, preference by preference.

Maybe today you don’t know your favorite color. Maybe tomorrow, you will. And if not, that’s okay too. Because healing is messy and nonlinear. But it’s always worth it.

References

• Beaton, D. E., Shamsipour, G., & Mojtabai, R. (2022). Executive function and self-concept clarity in adults with ADHD: A structural equation modeling approach. Journal of Attention Disorders, 26(2), 141–150. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054720932680

• Brown, T. E. (2009). A New Understanding of ADHD in Children and Adults: Executive Function Impairments. Routledge.

• Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the reasons, contexts and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-x

• Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and Crisis. Norton.

• Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47, 2519–2534. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5

• Livingston, L. A., Shah, P., & Happé, F. (2020). Compensatory strategies below the surface in autism: A qualitative study. The Lancet Psychiatry, 7(9), 788–796. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(20)30271-7

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.

• Raymaker, D. M., Teo, A. R., Steckler, N. A., Lentz, B., Scharer, M., Delos Santos, A., ... & Nicolaidis, C. (2020). “Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew”: Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132–143. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2019.0079