Mirroring Myself Away: Autistic Mirroring, Identity, and Connection

By Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP, ASDCS

Sometimes I catch myself mid-conversation—matching the other person’s smile just a little too tightly, nodding a beat too eagerly, adjusting my posture to mirror theirs almost perfectly. It’s automatic. It’s not calculated. It’s not fake. It’s mirroring.

For many autistic adults, mirroring is more than a social skill—it’s a survival strategy. We unconsciously adopt the body language, speech patterns, facial expressions, and even beliefs of others around us in an effort to connect, blend in, or avoid conflict. It’s a deeply intuitive behavior with roots in both neurobiology and trauma, and while it may help us “fit in,” it often leaves us feeling hollow, confused, or disconnected from who we really are.

What is Mirroring?

Mirroring refers to the unconscious or conscious imitation of another person’s behavior, including posture, gestures, expressions, and speech. In neurotypical individuals, this is often associated with social bonding and empathy. But in autistic individuals, mirroring frequently emerges as a compensatory mechanism—a form of camouflaging that helps us navigate a world not built for our neurotype (Hull et al., 2017).

It can start young. We notice that when we echo our peers’ smiles or mimic their slang, we’re accepted more easily. So we get good at it. Too good, sometimes. We begin layering ourselves in learned behaviors so convincingly that even we can’t always find the original version of ourselves underneath.

The Neuroscience Behind It

Neuroscience offers some clues. The “mirror neuron system” (MNS)—a group of neurons that activate both when we perform an action and when we observe someone else doing it—has been a subject of interest in autism research. Some studies suggest that differences in the MNS may contribute to the social-communication challenges in autism (Oberman et al., 2005), but the reality is more nuanced.

Research shows that autistic individuals do engage in mirroring, but often in a more conscious or effortful way compared to neurotypicals (Heyes & Catmur, 2022). We might not automatically feel another person’s emotion just by seeing it, but we may learn to mimic the expression as a way of connecting or responding appropriately.

This can lead to the internal question: “If I’m mirroring to connect, but not actually feeling the thing I’m showing… do they love the real me?”

Mirroring as Masking

Autistic mirroring is often a key component of what we call masking—the act of concealing one’s authentic traits in order to conform socially. Masking is associated with higher levels of anxiety, depression, autistic burnout, and even suicidality in autistic adults (Cage et al., 2018).

Mirroring becomes a double-edged sword. It can help us survive awkward moments or avoid bullying, but it can also make authentic self-expression feel unsafe or even impossible. When mirroring is chronic and unbalanced, it can lead to identity diffusion, where we struggle to know who we are outside of other people’s reflections (Williams, 2021).

Polyvagal Theory and Mirroring

From a Polyvagal Theory perspective, mirroring may be a manifestation of a nervous system stuck in a fawn or appease response—a blend of sympathetic activation and social engagement gone into overdrive. For some autistic people, mirroring may be our nervous system’s way of saying, “Don’t reject me. I’m safe. I belong here.”

It’s not manipulation—it’s regulation. We’re seeking co-regulation through mimicry, often because our own internal cues of safety are underdeveloped or constantly under threat due to sensory overload, social confusion, or past trauma (Porges, 2011).

The Cost of Chronic Mirroring

The cost of long-term mirroring? Emotional exhaustion. Identity confusion. Disconnection from the body. A sense of always performing—but never truly arriving.

I’ve felt this. I’ve mirrored so much that I’ve lost track of what I actually enjoy, or how I react when I’m not reading a room. I’ve found myself wondering, “What version of me do they even love? The version that smiles too big? That mirrors their slang? That never says no?”

Reclaiming Identity After Mirroring

Unlearning mirroring doesn’t mean becoming rigid or socially cut off. It means learning when you’re doing it out of survival versus genuine connection. It means finding safety in your own nervous system so you don’t always need to match someone else’s.

Here’s what’s helped me and others in my clinical practice:

• Body scans and interoception work: Pause and ask yourself, “What’s my body feeling right now?”

• Sensory profiling: Learn what lights you up—your colors, your movement preferences, your safe textures.

• Voice journaling: Record yourself talking about something you love. Then listen—how do you sound when you’re not trying to be liked?

• Safe relationships: Find people who don’t require performance. The ones you don’t have to mirror to feel loved.

Final Thoughts

Mirroring isn’t the enemy. It’s a signal. A breadcrumb trail leading us back to the parts of ourselves we’ve hidden away in the name of belonging.

I still catch myself mirroring. But I’ve also started catching myself returning—to my voice, my posture, my rhythm. And every time I do, it feels less like I’m surviving, and more like I’m actually living.

References

• Cage, E., Di Monaco, J., & Newell, V. (2018). Experiences of autism acceptance and mental health in autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 473–484. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3342-7

• Heyes, C., & Catmur, C. (2022). What Happened to Mirror Neurons? Perspectives on Psychological Science, 17(1), 153–168. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691621990638

• Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., & Mandy, W. (2017). The female autism phenotype and camouflaging: a narrative review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 4(4), 306–317. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40489-017-0128-4

• Oberman, L. M., Hubbard, E. M., McCleery, J. P., Altschuler, E. L., Ramachandran, V. S., & Pineda, J. A. (2005). EEG evidence for mirror neuron dysfunction in autism spectrum disorders. Cognitive Brain Research, 24(2), 190–198. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cogbrainres.2005.01.014

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

• Williams, Z. J. (2021). Unmasking Identity: Understanding the role of masking in autism and the emergence of self. Autistic Voices Press.