ADHD and Limerence: When Infatuation Feels Like a Lightning Bolt

By Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP, ASDCS

Clinical Director, Myndset Therapeutics

Let’s be honest—when you have ADHD, falling for someone can feel like getting struck by lightning. Your brain lights up, the world narrows down to one person, and suddenly, you're all in. It’s intense, consuming, euphoric… and sometimes painful.

What many people don’t realize is that this experience, known as limerence, isn’t just a dramatic crush. For adults with ADHD, it can be an amplified neurological and emotional storm rooted in how our brains process reward, attachment, and rejection.

Let’s unpack what limerence is, how it shows up in ADHD, and why it deserves more recognition in therapeutic spaces.

What Is Limerence?

Limerence is a psychological state of intense emotional and romantic obsession with another person, often characterized by intrusive thoughts, idealization, emotional dependency, and a desperate desire for reciprocation (Tennov, 1979). It’s not love—though it can be mistaken for it. It’s not a crush—though it can start that way.

At its core, limerence is about dopamine and uncertainty. The feeling is amplified by ambiguity, perceived barriers to connection, and emotional highs and lows. This unpredictability reinforces the obsession, triggering the brain's reward system much like addiction.

The ADHD Brain and Dopamine Dysregulation

ADHD is deeply tied to dopaminergic dysfunction—our brains crave stimulation and novelty because they don’t produce or regulate dopamine in a typical way (Volkow et al., 2009). When something—or someone—sparks interest, the ADHD brain lights up in a big way. We don’t just like things. We hyperfocus on them.

In romantic contexts, this hyperfocus can turn into limerence, especially when there’s emotional ambiguity or intermittent reinforcement. Research on reward prediction error and ADHD suggests that unpredictable stimuli create stronger dopamine responses in individuals with ADHD (Plichta et al., 2009). In other words, a hot-and-cold romantic interest may feel more addictive to someone with ADHD than a consistent, stable connection.

This doesn’t mean ADHD causes limerence—but it may intensify susceptibility to it.

Rejection Sensitivity and Emotional Volatility

Many adults with ADHD also struggle with rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)—an intense emotional reaction to perceived or actual rejection (Dodson, 2019). When limerence is present, RSD adds a layer of emotional volatility. If the object of our affection doesn’t respond exactly as hoped, it can feel catastrophic.

These experiences aren’t just emotional—they’re physiological. The nervous system may swing from sympathetic arousal (fight/flight) to dorsal shutdown (freeze/fawn), especially if there’s a trauma history or attachment insecurity layered in. Polyvagal Theory helps us understand how this regulation system goes offline in states of perceived emotional threat (Porges, 2011).

So when someone doesn’t text back? It’s not just disappointment. It’s a neurobiological event that can spiral quickly.

Limerence vs. Love: Why the Difference Matters

Love is rooted in safety, reciprocity, and emotional attunement. Limerence is fueled by fantasy, intensity, and pursuit. For many ADHD adults—especially those with trauma histories—it can feel indistinguishable from love because the emotional spike feels real.

But it’s often based on projection and idealization, not true connection.

Recognizing the difference can be painful but empowering. It allows us to step back, regulate, and ask:

“Am I in love with this person—or the feeling they give me when I’m chasing them?”

ADHD, Trauma, and the Need to Feel Something

Limerence can also be a way to escape numbness, boredom, or emotional flatness—states ADHD brains often find intolerable. Especially for those with co-occurring trauma, emotional intensity becomes a kind of self-medication. That infatuation buzz lights up the nervous system and creates a sense of purpose, even if it’s unhealthy or unsustainable.

This pattern isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a coping strategy. It’s the brain doing whatever it can to feel alive, connected, and validated.

Therapeutic Considerations: What Helps

As a therapist working with ADHD and neurodivergent adults, I see limerence come up more often than people think. But because it's not a formal diagnosis, it often gets overlooked or misdiagnosed as attachment disorder, mania, or even borderline traits.

In reality, it may just be an ADHD brain in overdrive, trying to attach in a world that feels uncertain and under-stimulating.

Here’s what I’ve found helpful in therapy:

1. Psychoeducation

Helping clients name limerence reduces shame. Understanding that it’s a neurological response, not a personal failure, builds self-compassion and awareness.

2. Polyvagal Regulation

Using breathwork, somatic grounding, and vagus nerve exercises can help regulate the nervous system when emotional obsession takes hold. Safety in the body supports clarity in the mind.

3. Rejection Mapping

Work with clients to map their RSD triggers. When they can predict the pattern (“They didn’t text, now I’m spiraling”), they can intercept the limbic response with curiosity instead of shame.

4. Attachment Repair

Explore unmet attachment needs beneath the limerence. Often, there's a longing to be chosen, seen, or rescued. These are human needs—and they deserve to be nurtured, not chased.

5. ADHD Medication and Support

Sometimes, stimulant treatment can improve baseline dopamine tone, which reduces the compulsive reward-seeking that fuels limerence (Surman et al., 2013). Coaching and CBT can also help interrupt cognitive distortions that reinforce idealization.

Final Thoughts

Limerence in ADHD isn’t just about falling fast—it’s about a brain and body craving connection, intensity, and emotional clarity in a world that often feels confusing and dull. When we stop pathologizing this experience and start understanding it, we unlock an opportunity for healing.

If you’ve ever felt like you were too much in love—or loved someone who disappeared the moment you were no longer a fantasy—you’re not broken. You’re human. You’re wired for depth. And with the right support, you can learn to chase connection that’s mutual, grounded, and real.

References

• Dodson, W. (2019). Rejection sensitive dysphoria and ADHD: The pain of never being good enough. ADDitude Magazine. Retrieved from https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-emotional-dysregulation/

• Plichta, M. M., Vasic, N., Wolf, R. C., Lesch, K. P., Brummer, D., Jacob, C., & Fallgatter, A. J. (2009). Neural hyporesponsiveness and hyperresponsiveness during immediate and delayed reward processing in adult ADHD. Biological Psychiatry, 65(1), 7–14. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsych.2008.07.008

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

• Surman, C. B., Hammerness, P. G., Pion, K., & Faraone, S. V. (2013). Do stimulants reduce the risk for substance use disorders? A meta-analysis of the literature. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 74(9), 902–907. https://doi.org/10.4088/JCP.12r07922

• Tennov, D. (1979). Love and limerence: The experience of being in love. Scarborough House.

• Volkow, N. D., Wang, G. J., Kollins, S. H., Wigal, T. L., Newcorn, J. H., Telang, F., ... & Swanson, J. M. (2009). Evaluating dopamine reward pathway in ADHD: Clinical implications. JAMA, 302(10), 1084–1091. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2009.1308